TODAY I WAS SAVAGELY ATTACKED
does it count as gay-bashing if it’s a magpie?By a magpie.
The horrific incident happened on the way back to my car after buying a bottle of Portino (poor version of Portello) and some lolly mint leaves. I was innocently pondering whether the cashier at the shop was a homo or not, when the hateful creature swooped down into the back of my skull, clicking and flapping as it connected.
So I screamed and threw things in the air and crouched and looked to see if anyone was watching me. Across the road were two tradies eating fish n chips, laughing at my misfortune. Sweaty palms, red face, clumsiness ensued. Apparently The Birds is a movie and it turns out I’m not as graceful as Tippi Hedren like I once assumed.
I picked my shit up off the ground all the while frantically searching the sky for the wretched animal. I got into my car just as the fucking magpie came swooping in again, clicking and flapping once more.
There is nothing more funny than watching magpies swooping people and at the same time, there is nothing more embarrassing than it happening to you. It’s the same as unwanted public nakedness, spilling coins at a vending machine with a line of people behind you or farting and having no escape plan/no one around to blame.
The only way I can justify the crippling embarrassment caused after being swooped by a magpie is if I drive over one of them in my car. Magpies of the world, you have been warned: fuck back or die.
